


Stars in her hands

by unluckyxse7en



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Catharsis, Earth C, F/F, Feelings Jam, Post SBURB, but a little before epilogue continuity i guess, postgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 15:40:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19298719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unluckyxse7en/pseuds/unluckyxse7en
Summary: Our favorite girls Rose and Kanaya decide that domestic bliss is a good time to open up and share some feelings and learn how to communicate better.





	Stars in her hands

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly this is just peak personal wlw indulgence. It kind of wanders a little and is probably ooc at points but I can't say I would change a thing. I hope you find it as soothing as it was for me to write it.
> 
> Edit: changed the title because I had a feeling there was already a popular fic out with the same name. This is barely relevant but I feel like it won't accidentally encroach on someone else's territory.

“Kanaya, you're rambling again."

Kanaya's mouth instinctively snapped shut, and she averted her gaze.

"Ah, you're right, I am... sorry, Rose. Got a little carried away there I guess," she admitted distractedly. Rose hummed in recognition, too wrapped up in her knitting project to notice Kanaya's unease.

It had been an innocuous enough statement. On its own, there wasn't anything wrong with it. Kanaya never minded being told she was rambling. Karkat alone had to remind her of this at least semi-daily - and in turn, she too would remind him similarly. The idea of her rambling didn't bother Kanaya in the slightest.

What did bother her was the fact that Rose had said it.

"Kanaya? Is everything alright?"

Kanaya startled slightly, not realizing she had been staring off into space while Rose knitted in silence.

"Er," Kanaya hesitated, meeting Rose's concerned lavender eyes.

"Yes, of course, I was simply... watching you knit," Kanaya pointed down at Rose's handiwork. Rose let out a little laugh.

"Were you really watching so intently that you'd forgotten about our conversation?"

"Well... you ARE rather hypnotizing to watch, if I must be honest," Kanaya admitted.

"Besides, the silence is nice, sometimes. Just sitting in comfortable, quiet peace. It's relaxing."

Rose smirked at her wife, but said nothing on the matter, and resumed knitting.

Kanaya allowed herself to zone out again, watching Rose's nimble fingers work as she knitted with a gentle precision. Kanaya could get lost in studying Rose's hands. They were so soft, and skilled, and adorned with a constellation of freckles, and as the ring on Rose's finger sparkled in the light it only added to the picture.

In Rose's hands, Kanaya could see a universe. In more than one way, her hands had held one- and that was what concerned Kanaya so.

She wasn't sure the others understood the level of duress Rose had been under during the game, the level of pressure she felt she had to live up to. If anyone else knew of even a fraction of it, it was probably Terezi - only a Seer would truly recognize the burden another Seer had carried.

It was no small point of remorse for Kanaya that she had failed to recognize it as well, at the time. The burden of plans, of the future, of ensuring everything went in their favor, had never been hers. But Rose had carried it for three years on that meteor, and barely shared it with anyone during that time. Kanaya wasn't even privy to the knowledge of just how much it had weighed on Rose, until their journey through The Medium had almost reached its end.

And while it had been at least a sweep and a half since they had won the game- almost three years according to the Earth C calendar- Kanaya couldn't help but worry that those small hands, capable though they may be, were still carrying a world of burdens.

You're rambling again, the phrase quietly echoed in Kanaya's thinkpan. How long had it been since Rose had been the one to say that? Had she ever said it on the meteor? Had she uttered the phrase since their wedding? Kanaya worried her lip distractedly. She could only think of one particular time period during which Rose would say that phrase to her... And that's what concerned her so.

It wasn't until much later that night that Kanaya decided to approach her about it.

"Rose... Do you have a moment?"

Rose looked up from her book, her composed expression saying that she had been expecting this. Kanaya wasn't sure that she found that reassuring.

"What is it, love?"

Kanaya drank in those words, that concerned tone lacing her low voice, as violet eyes framed by pale ringlets searched her, already trying to pry answers from her. Even if she didn't show it, Rose was worried, Kanaya could tell. She wasn't the only one.

Kanaya took a breath in to steady herself, finding herself avoiding Rose's gaze as she spoke.

"Back when we first met, when you were in the game... Did I... Was I..." the words caught on her lips, she was scared to say them---

Rose stood from her favorite chair, book abandoned on the tea table next to it as she approached Kanaya, closing that yawning gap between them. She stopped short a pace away from Kanaya, the worry now clearly evident on her face as she hesitated. She held out her hand palm up, a tentative gesture to give Kanaya comfort, if she wanted it. I'm here, it said. I'm here for you. Kanaya swallowed thickly and took it gratefully, the comforting squeeze grounding her as she worked out her next words.

"Was I... just bothering you, then?"

The tears that had been burning against Kanaya's eyelids slid out as she saw Rose's expression shift, as a comforting hand tensed, as a soft gasp escaped her. Something in Kanaya broke, and let out the thought she hadn't wanted to continue.

"Am I... Am I just bothering you, now?" Kanaya could barely squeeze the words out, her last words barely a squeak as she struggled with a sob.

"You... You'd always tell me I was rambling, and... and at the time I didn't think much of it," she pushed through the lump in her throat, sniffling punctuating her words. A deep breath, to pull herself together, just a little more.

"I'd been called so many worse things back then, from the person I liked before. I'd gotten used to it. But you... you haven't told me that I was 'rambling' in so long, and I.... I..."

Kanaya broke down into sobs once more, unable to finish her thought.

"Kanaya..." Rose intoned, voice filled with sorrow as she gazed up. Her other hand lifted up, now, coming up gently to cradle Kanaya's cheek.

"Is that what you've been so preoccupied with all day...?"

A hesitant nod, accompanied by a whimper. Rose gently pulled Kanaya closer to her, bringing her into a warm, comforting hug. Rose held Kanaya tenderly, as her wife shook in her arms, wracked with sobs.

"Kanaya, no. You aren't 'just bothering me' now. You were never 'just bothering me'. Not even back then. I was..." Rose averted her eyes for a moment as she hesitated, expression laced with guilt and sadness.

"I... Well, there's really no better way to say it than off the deep end, when we first began talking, back during Sburb. I hadn't gone grimdark at first, but... In retrospect, it's quite obvious I was well on my way."

A sigh.

"I did not mean to make you feel so... unwelcome. Back then. I really didn't. I shouldn't ever have accused you of 'rambling' in the first place."

"Sometimes on the meteor, I'd watch dream bubbles with our old conversations, and the closer we became... The more I cringed with each watch. I could not believe how selfish and snarky I was. Well," Rose laughed once, ruefully, as she shook her head in self-admonition. She pulled away from the hug, staring up into Kanaya's golden eyes.

"I take that back. I COULD believe it. But I didn't want to admit it."

Kanaya studied Rose through still-watery eyes, a pang of pity ringing through her bloodpusher. Rose lowered her hand so that both were now clasping Kanaya's. As she did, Rose lifted her gaze up to meet Kanaya's once more, earnest and tinged with regret.

"I've always struggled with apologies, but... I'm sorry, that I made you feel that way. And that I treated you like that to begin with. And I'm especially remorseful for not saying something to you sooner. You never said anything before, so I..." Her voice faltered, as she looked away one more time, choosing her next words carefully.

"... I didn't want to risk ruining what we had," she choked out, biting her lip as she held her own tears back. Kanaya's brow furrowed in confusion, not entirely following. Rose swallowed back her tears, and continued.

"I had grown... so used to just letting things stay buried, with Mother. Pick new fights, spit new grievances... But I never actually touched on past issues with her. Never resolved old aches. It felt like... An admission, somehow, of how bad things were, to actually bring them up to her. And she never said anything about how she felt, or if she still thought about ruined days gone by... That always said enough to me, about what she thought of me, then. That she didn't care enough to talk it out, even when I was old enough... To the very end, she never told me anything. We would both just... pretend nothing was wrong, all while everything fell apart all around us. It became such a part of my life... I began to feel like if I ever let myself admit to things being wrong, the play would end. That Mom would finally tell me how much she hated me, or that you..." Rose faltered, staring into golden-ringed green eyes mournfully.

"...That you would leave me."

The words hung heavily in the air as Rose retracted her hands reluctantly, folding them over herself as she glanced downwards, biting her lip. Kanaya gaped, hand still held out as Rose had left it, the air chilling where warmth had once encircled it.

Kanaya closed her mouth, deliberately, averting her eyes as she weighed those words carefully. If she were being fully honest.. they had stung. But in that same truthful vein... she was hardly one to talk. She been carrying a similar fear all this time. That if she said the wrong thing, it would all come to an end abruptly.

Kanaya breathed in, to steady herself, and out once more.

"Rose. You mean the world to me. I told you before, many times during our stay on the meteor... I am here for you. I was there for you then, and so I am here for you now. I won't leave unless that's," she hesitated.

"Unless that's what you truly want."

Rose teared up, reaching out a shaking hand once more.

"Never, my dear. I could never wish you out of my life."

Kanaya smiled through her own tears, now streaming down her cheek, as she took Rose's hand once more.

"Nor I, you."

Rose laughed, a clear, cathartic sound.

"Whatever did I do to deserve such a wonderful person as you for my wife?" She hugged Kanaya again, this time a rare enthusiastic embrace. Kanaya reciprocated eagerly, holding the love of her life tightly in her arms.

"I could ask the same thing about you," she grinned, relief flooding through her.

Rose leaned her head into the nook of Kanaya's neck, relaxing into the hug.

"Thank you, Kanaya. For saying something to me. I truly appreciate it," she murmured into Kanaya's shoulder, still holding on to her. Kanaya's expression softened, her hug following suit.

"Of course. After all, aren't you the one constantly saying how important it is for couples to communicate...?" She let out a breathy chuckle, nuzzling Rose's head against her cheek. Rose laughed.

"Yes, I suppose I am, aren't I...? I really should learn to follow my own advice."

"I think..." Kanaya faked a deliberate pause, lifting her head away as if in deep thought.

"...That tonight was a good start." She smiled, giving Rose another reassuring squeeze, relishing the feeling of being safe in her wife's arms. Rose squeezed back gratefully.

"I think you might be right. I think it was a good start... for the both of us."


End file.
